Today snuck up on me.
It really did.
I’ve been so focused on the end of the school year chaos that I forgot about the significance of today.
Exactly four years ago (May 29, 2009), I was sitting on a plane about to embark on the hardest, scariest, but most meaningfully life-changing journey. I can remember exactly what I chose to wear, what I pretended to eat at the airport, and EVERY SINGLE emotion that was running through my head and body. I remember trying to write this entry in my journal and struggling to find the words to describe exactly how I felt.
Four years ago today, I made the decision to change my life. To live my life. To free myself from the disease that I described as “viciously deceitful.” Four years ago today, I surrendered my false sense of control and power, entered into eating disorder treatment on my own free will, and became the person God intended.
As I look back to that person I was four years ago, I’m both saddened and proud. Even though I was held captive by the invisible chains of an unrelenting eating disorder, I still had the courage to fight for ME. All odds were against me and yet I was resilient. Was it easy? I smile and shake my head as I write that question because it couldn’t be any further from the truth. It was probably the hardest 2.5 months of my life. The next year or so that followed was a constant battle. But when people ask me if it was worth it, I couldn’t be more sure of my answer.
Yes. Fast forwarding to where I am today, I am in awe. Four years ago, I honestly believed that a life like the one I live now wasn’t in my cards. Wouldn’t be possible. Just wouldn’t happen for me. I’d smile and nod when I’d hear successful recovery stories but “knew” mine wouldn’t sound the same.
I was right. Does it sound the same? No. It sounds BETTER. I made the decision on my journey to always do the next right thing. If I made a choice that wasn’t necessarily supportive to my health, I just knew that the next choice I made had to be healthy, no matter how difficult.
I’m so lucky. My life is better than I could have ever imagined. I have a loving, supportive family. I landed my dream job, inspiring and educating children to be their best self in a school that feels like family. My boyfriend is the most genuine, hard-working, sincere, (insert positive adjective here), man I have ever met. My best friends are truly a gift. I have become involved in CrossFit which in itself has been life-changing. I’ve traveled to many countries, eaten many delicious meals, and laughed countless times.
Here’s to that scary, nerve-wracking, anxiety provoking day four years ago that was the catalyst for my life to become the way it is today. I have now lived longer WITHOUT an eating disorder than I did entwined in it. I am forever grateful to the wonderful people I met on my journey and pray each day for those still fighting their battle.
I am blessed.